Tonight I was lucky enough to have just that last amount of energy to sit and listen to Chloe tonight as I tucked her in. This used to be the time where she would tell me what was bothering her or just talk about whatever needed to be talked about. But lately I've been tired and distracted and just haven't had it in me to sit long enough for her thoughts to come forth. I'm so grateful that tonight was different.
She started out with the usual of her wanting a funny story about a little boy and a little girl...the little boy always does 2-5 naughty things while the little girl is angelic. Then she started talking. First about the troubles with certain friends and how some friends are easy and some friends are hard but she loves them all. And how she's so excited about her new super girl costume cuz she feels tough and has super powers. Then it was about how sometimes Owen makes her so mad and other times she loves him. But then it started to get a little more serious. She told me that she didn't want Owen to grow up and didn't want to see him get bigger. I tried asking about it seeing if I could get her to elaborate when she started looking like she would burst into tears...then she did.
"I love my brother so much, but I don't want anything to happen to him. What if he dies and then I don't have a brother anymore? I don't know what I would *snif* do!"
At this point I'm keeping back the biggest sob of my life but I try to keep her talking. Then she throws me a whammy...
"I've been worried about those bad people who crashed their planes into the buildings!"
Wow. So I tried to ask if she was scared about it happening to her when she told me that she was sad for the families of the people that died. Then she started sobbing like I've never seen. She was worried about how sad they were and that the people they loved had to die and they never get to see them again.
I started crying right along with her at that point. I really had no idea how to explain it so we just started talking. We talked about who did it and why (although I'm not sure I could explain it all that well), we talked about the families and how, even though they were so sad and won't ever be quite the same, they are ok now and maybe even happy sometimes. We talked about how there are brave people, like super heros, who are helping our country be safe so it never happens again. Then she started with her own thoughts about it...
"Mommy, it's kind of like how Owen is afraid of monsters. Even though monsters aren't real, those guys were like the monsters. Like when Owen pretends to smash his blocks." Yes kind of like that.
"When I got in my super girl costume today I was pretending that I was a real super girl and that I was stopping those planes and making sure nobody got hurt! But there aren't super heros anymore and there aren't real super powers!" The sobbing continued on both sides.
At this point I explained about the people who were like "super heros" who didn't necessarily have super powers...but they stopped the bad guys from crashing into other buildings. That sometimes regular people can be heros and save the day just like super girl. Dang was I crying at this point.
"I wish I could make something and send it to people (she gave the example of stuffing turtles at VBS and sending them to people who had lost their home and needed comfort) so they would know that I'll never forget. Because maybe seeing something that I made will help people feel comfort."
It went on for a long time getting more and more heart wrenching and sweet, I thnk we talked for an hour. She just kept crying and crying for the families, she was concerned for them and never wanting her family to die before her. She eventually started telling me stories about...if she had been there she would have made herself a huge super girl and stopped the planes and bring all the people back to their families...her sense of strength was starting to return thankfully. Then we went downstairs and drew pictures of Chloe saving the day. They are now all over her room so she can look at them when she has bad dreams about the planes.
It was a pretty surreal conversation to have with my little baby. I'm sad that she feels so much pain but am also so touched to know how compassionate she is. I wasn't sure If I was going to write this down but I really didn't want to forget it. I'm thankful that Chloe made me remember...cuz with the craziness of daily life it's easy to forget.
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