Man it's been a while since I've posted. This post is probably just a therapy session for me so feel free to just skip it and read the next post...which will likely be in 7-9 months.
The kids have been back in school now for a whopping 2 weeks. Just enough time for me to have a couple silent minutes to myself. The silent minutes I've been craving for years...years! My time has belonged to someone else for over 8 years now. Any fleeting minutes or hours that I got to myself were savored to the fullest extent and I longed for more when they ended. I was waiting and waiting for this time to come. Where both kids were in school for 3 whole hours and I could do anything I wanted. Not much time but it would be MY time! My time to plan my future, blog, draw, create or do what I wanted, time to be free! Or so I thought.
People have been asking me "Wow! What have you been doing with all your time? You must be loving it!" But all I can do is shrug. I feel lost. I am in that transitional phase right now where I have had a taste of what it's like and...to be honest...I hate it! I am so used to knowing exactly what to do because someone was always there to tell me what they needed. Telling me where I need to be and how it needs to be done. Kind of like when I graduated from college. You know, where you are plunked down in a classroom, told what to do, how to do it and what was expected. Then I graduated and didn't have someone planning my schedule and I felt like an astronaut floating around in space with nothing to grab on to. So many opportunities but no idea how to move to get at them. That's how I feel now. Except no...now it's more chaotic...my time is short and the times surrounding it are madly scheduled so I have this frantic grasping feeling like I need to savor it while I can. Like those machines at Chuck E Cheese where the kid is locked in a glass tube and tickets are swirling around so fast and you have one minute to grab them all before it ends. THAT'S more like how I feel now. And there are moms who are in the position I was in a few years ago looking at me like..."Ooooh I WISH I could be where you are. I'm so envious!" And I just want to tell them..."Nah it sucks." But I don't....well now I just did...oops.
I know this is all just my issues with transitions. I have read enough parenting and psychology books at this point to know that I struggle with new things at first and then will embrace them to the fullest before too long. But for now I hate not being needed. I hate that my kids are spending all their free time with their friends and don't want me to hang out with them AS much. I know this is exactly what I am raising them to do. This is what needs to happen but it's new for me and it's hard. The silent house is a little brutal...but I'll get used to it. I'll start using it to fuel something creative and hopefully start creating again. Hopefully be able to start teaching art to kids so I can get my kid fix as my two grow up and find their way. Who knows? My possibilites are endless right?
The kids have been back in school now for a whopping 2 weeks. Just enough time for me to have a couple silent minutes to myself. The silent minutes I've been craving for years...years! My time has belonged to someone else for over 8 years now. Any fleeting minutes or hours that I got to myself were savored to the fullest extent and I longed for more when they ended. I was waiting and waiting for this time to come. Where both kids were in school for 3 whole hours and I could do anything I wanted. Not much time but it would be MY time! My time to plan my future, blog, draw, create or do what I wanted, time to be free! Or so I thought.
People have been asking me "Wow! What have you been doing with all your time? You must be loving it!" But all I can do is shrug. I feel lost. I am in that transitional phase right now where I have had a taste of what it's like and...to be honest...I hate it! I am so used to knowing exactly what to do because someone was always there to tell me what they needed. Telling me where I need to be and how it needs to be done. Kind of like when I graduated from college. You know, where you are plunked down in a classroom, told what to do, how to do it and what was expected. Then I graduated and didn't have someone planning my schedule and I felt like an astronaut floating around in space with nothing to grab on to. So many opportunities but no idea how to move to get at them. That's how I feel now. Except no...now it's more chaotic...my time is short and the times surrounding it are madly scheduled so I have this frantic grasping feeling like I need to savor it while I can. Like those machines at Chuck E Cheese where the kid is locked in a glass tube and tickets are swirling around so fast and you have one minute to grab them all before it ends. THAT'S more like how I feel now. And there are moms who are in the position I was in a few years ago looking at me like..."Ooooh I WISH I could be where you are. I'm so envious!" And I just want to tell them..."Nah it sucks." But I don't....well now I just did...oops.
I know this is all just my issues with transitions. I have read enough parenting and psychology books at this point to know that I struggle with new things at first and then will embrace them to the fullest before too long. But for now I hate not being needed. I hate that my kids are spending all their free time with their friends and don't want me to hang out with them AS much. I know this is exactly what I am raising them to do. This is what needs to happen but it's new for me and it's hard. The silent house is a little brutal...but I'll get used to it. I'll start using it to fuel something creative and hopefully start creating again. Hopefully be able to start teaching art to kids so I can get my kid fix as my two grow up and find their way. Who knows? My possibilites are endless right?
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